"Die, v.: To stop sinning suddenly" Albert Hubbard

I've done a lot of things recently, but nothing that I should be proud off. Pills,alcohol to smoking to eventually doing everything. I guess everything has its consequence sooner or later. I put my pride first.God, that was one of the worse things I have ever done. I basically scripted my own downfall. I hurt the only person who have or should I sad HAD hope on me. Well I don't think I can ever forgive myself,god might but I will never forgive myself.

A lot of things is going through my mind. Top of my list is suicide. Maybe if I'm gone this pain will go away. I can't stand at the fact I hurt the person I love the most. Seeing her cry broke my heart. To make it even worse I am the one who cause it. Everyone might have forgiven me but cannot accept my actions because I'm not like this.

It keeps getting more and more difficult as each second pass by. Its comes to a point when I feel like screaming up to the heavens and asking what is my purpose. I'm doing horribly in my studies, my football ain't doing so great and what do I have left? Guilt. I can't look her in the face , heck I can't even chat with her cause everything involving her hurts bloody much. But hey I deserve all things bad for everything that I have done. There's just things that time will never erase.

She got good friends and all are better suited to protect her. She doesn't need a fuck up drug addict like me. She deserves better.I don't care what happens to me from now on. My heart aches and I can't take it. I promise I wont take any pills to handle the pain. But I want to clear something up because there's a lot of shit that hurts deep down into my soul, I CARE about her I really do and I do REGRET my actions but sometimes you have to let go of someone to show that person how much you love them. I cant do any good for her. I never have. I am being haunted with the guilt and it really hurts..

If death will help solve things,I'm willing to do it. I'll do anything for you.Forget me if you wish but remember my name the very least. I'm very sorry...I hope the pain I'm feeling will grow stronger and stronger,I deserve all the pain that is possible to feel by man..